I always tried to avoid speaking word love. Basically I knew myself enough to feel dishonest when I tried to express love for anything. I felt enslaved, but than again I'd quickly forget the commitment not to express something I knew next to nothing about and than that knowing nothing suddenly turned into everything and I can't go on without that thing which I loved. To me word love is like an upgrade to word like, more than like. Its not enough to just like it, you have to love it...
So its basically for me a point of avoidance. How can I describe something that is so two faced to me. When I was little I feared expressing love for someone simply because of expressing something that I loved and than giving one the opportunity of manipulating me trough that point that I loved. It was simple. If I loved something I'd get that if I did ok, if I didn't do ok I'd simply not get it. So since than I never tried to get my hopes up about something because of the limit and the disappointment that I'd have to go trough when my expectations were not met.
On the individual level love is complicated, to me. One can love many things they all have pros and cons. I loved to play pc games and because of them lost a significant amount of years for nothing. I didn't develop, didn't grow only stagnated, maybe even descended a little. But no matter I loved doing it. There are many more things that I loved doing and compromised my physical body because of it. Than there are things that I should be love doing and I don't, because of the preprograminng trough the mind as self created beliefs of what is of value and what isn't. Yes that is what I've been doing all my life. I judged things. Do those that I like and/or perceive that I'll end up feeling happy about them and, those that I don't like, because of not wanting to avoid the happiness that would otherwise be at the successfully accomplished doing.
Its like, I don't like to finish school because I don't like to learn even though I'd like to have a degree so that I will get some decent job.
I don't like writing because I loose time that I would otherwise could have fun with, even though I want to so that I'll have clear consciousness for all of the shit that I did and, adding explanations alongside so that the crazy character personality that I have can be understood.
I don't like talking the truth because of fear that someone might be feared by it and than would try to shut me up, even thought I know that lies will only contribute and pile up more shit which will eventually got blown up and well have to face it or it will accumulate to such an extent that we'll even loose the ability to face it.
I like playing pc game even though I know that I wont benefit one practical bit from it, so I am basically throwing away my time, when I play pc games.
I like talking even though I sometimes spell utter crap and present myself as a retarded person that speaks nonsense.
For instance I love a person and I'd love to be with it, but at the same time I don't really know that I'll be loved back because of not knowing if there is already someone else that the person that I love is already in love with.
So everything is conditioned with the physical practical experience and the fulfillment of the physical needs. I guess self love would be that which is best for individual on the physical practical level of reality. Lies can only exist in the mind because only the mind believes it. If one eats a cake with poison, physical will always act accordingly. When if you trick the ones' mind into a poisonous belief that its good to eat cake because it tastes sweet, one will eat it. On the individual level its easy to program someone with anything basically. All you do is promise them happiness at the end and along side that give them hope that everything will be alright plus tell them not to worry. And one keeps repeating same patterns, same mechanism,s only different background and setting. Its life sucking. Of coarse its self care expression of self love. Than again if one looks only about self, like we always did, consciously or subconsciously, we can see that this self interested love has brought us quite a lot of momentary satisfaction and overgrowing accumulation of consequences that are eventually need to be taken care of. So that leaves me wonder if there was any self love expressed really because the happiness that we so wanted to experience because of fulfilling love has really blinded us from the consequences like lets leave them to future generations to deal with, lets postpone it. I guess we love postponing things. We love ourselves so much we'd rather kill ourselves off with the activity that we love than to stop and really for once in the entire history of existence use our ability to think so that we would benefit ourselves practically. Oh I just love to think, I've been thinking my entire life, in fact the only time I don't think is when I am breathing and that means not my body.
I love being not hungry. I love being not hot and not cold. I love being healthy. I love not feeling physical pain. I'd love to have sex. These are essential for one man in order to survive/exist, because without them there wouldn't be so many of us. Than there are the psychical loves like being happy and positive etc... The guidelines that we love to follow has brought us to this now that we are in. Its dire. Each of us no matter how we look like has these essential basic points that determine ones' condition of how to act in each and every moment of ones' life. There is no balance between the physical and the psychical. A starving man will feel equal amount of happiness for getting something to eat when a billionaire will get another billion to add up to already accumulated fortune. There is no scale other than the physical that reflects the imbalance of the one awareness as collective sum of all beings into the reflection of a world that is degrading day by day.
This is not some happy end movie. When time runs out we die, what we did in our life is imprinted into physical reality and than there are only two possibilities, one that we cease to exist and the other that we keep existing and face the existence. And I don't believe that there is any choice there, because if there is I am sure that the choices made in reality were all in vain, because than it doesn't even matter whether we turn this hell on earth into something better or we just leave it as it is. If there love ever truly existed, why did we used it to create such horror?